Police Wives Online: Police Wives Voices: Oh, So You're a Cop's Wife

"A Sisterhood Bound by the Badge" - Support and Resources for the Wives and Families of Law Enforcement Officers

Oh So You're a Cop's Wife

Law enforcement officers have to deal with stereotypes from the moment they put on their badge. There is no escaping it - on the streets, in the movie theaters or at social occasions – stereotypes are always around to be contended with.

But there is another group, flying under the radar so to speak, that also has to contend with stereotypes – the spouses of these officers. My own personal knowledge, recent survey results and general conversations with other officer’s spouses have demonstrated to me that this is a universal problem.

The biggest reaction I always hear from others is “How do you do it? You must not sleep at night!” This is followed in popularity by impressions that we are 1) above the law, 2) can manipulate the law or 3) will serve as our neighborhood’s own personal arm of the law in some way or form.

And there are more, which just beg for me to do a “Top 10” list of stereotypes I see and contributions from other police spouses about how on or off the mark these viewpoints are.

1. We never sleep or eat and can’t function well because our minds are so consumed with fear for our officers.

“Absolutely! Most everyone says they don't know how I do it because of the safety issue.” -- Dena, Northern California

“I've noticed that I get a lot of "oh, that has to be tough" or "how do you sleep at night?" – Michelle, Georgia

2. We think we are above the law / we are above the law / we will be our friends and neighbors own personal arm of the law.

“…the people who want legal advice. "My cousin's brother's niece's boyfriend was in a wreck.....why didn't they charge the guy?" Uh, well, I don't know.” -- Alison, Texas

“I've gotten snide remarks, outrageous requests, and even fearful looks from people when they find out that my boyfriend is a cop. I've gotten comments like "oh, don't mess with her, she's a cop's girl and he'll hunt you down and shoot you", or "Can he clear up my tickets", or "Your man sold us out" and so on and so forth.” -- Jay, New York

3. Our husband will cheat on us and our marriages are doomed.

“Occasionally I get the 'oh man, aren’t you afraid he will cheat on you?' That one I usually hit them back with 'Why, are you afraid your hubby will cheat on you?!'” -- Amanda, Southern California

4. We have no personal lives or identities – we are known as “Mrs. Officer.”

I have a good job that a lot of people used to find interesting and want to talk about. Until I’m out with my husband. He’s the star of the party now, and I’m just the cute sidekick. “Have you met Jake? Blah, blah, he’s an LAPD officer.” (add in the usual oohs and ahhs and “have you been shot/shot anyone questions here.) “Oh ya, and this is his wife…. Umm, Renee.” -- Renee, Los Angeles

“…(sometimes I feel like) I have to check my driver's license to remember my name! I'm always introduced as … Tommy's wife.” -- Teresa, Texas

5. We are also always “on duty” as an extension of our husband.

“I find when we are out eating on his dinner break (and he only gets 1/2 hour) there are people that stop by the table and cut our conversation short just to ask him questions that can wait till later. It also happens in the store while shopping after he gets off work. I just keep on shopping until he's done answering questions and can catch up to me in the store! I'm used to it.” -- Missy, Florida

“…Then you have the people who want to ask about a ticket or tell about their neighbor's dog that keeps crapping in their yard, while you're trying to have lunch together.” -- Michelle, Georgia

If anyone has a law-related question at my work, they always say...let's ask Jessica. She is married to an officer, she'll know. Even though we learn a lot through our husbands, we are NOT (police officers.)” --Jessica, California

6. If we live in a nice house or have nice things, our officers are “on the take.”

Whenever we’ve made large purchases (a new dining set, etc) in the past or gone on fancier vacations, I’ve heard the half joking comments about my husband being on the take. I say half-joking because people like to act like they are joking, but it’s hurtful what they say. No matter how “funny” they think it is, that’s a serious accusation. And again I’ll refer to stereotype #4 above – hello, what about me? I have a good job and make a good salary. Ugh -- Renee, Los Angeles

7. As their friends / neighbors / acquaintances, we’ll always help them out of “trouble.”

“…they ask, “So what's your husband’s name so that I can drop it to get out of a ticket,” or “Can I call you if I get pulled over,” or “Can you run this person's license plate?” -- Blondi, Midwest

“As far as reactions go, the absolute most common thing I've run into (including from my own mom!) is "can your husband get info on so-and-so" or "can you check on this tag"? Depending on the person asking (and the mood I'm in), my answer is "yes, but once he got the information, he couldn't give it to you unless it's official police business". Or if I know what their occupation or spouses occupation is, I've said "can your husband build us a fence, build us a new house, do our taxes..." Sometimes, when I'm tired, I just say "no". -- Teresa, Texas

8. Our husbands are public property, and as such must always enforce the law or entertain at parties in a moment’s notice, on- or off-duty.

“It irritates me when you're out somewhere and no one knows your husband is a officer. That is until some dumbass (neighbor who happens to be there) has to tell everyone there he is a cop. Why I don't know…” -- Monica, Southern California

“I find it very difficult to deal with neighbors knocking on our door asking to speak with the local police officer as they are having problems that need police attention. Most of the time my response is "Well, he is at work right now so if it is a real emergency please, come on in, I will dial 911 for you.” -- anonymous

“You have the people who want to ask about a ticket or tell about their neighbor's dog that keeps crapping in their yard, while (he’s) trying to have lunch. Just because he's in uniform doesn't mean he doesn't get some time away from the job.” -- Michelle, Georgia

9. We are either into the kink or masochistic for wanting to be married to an officer.

A lot of the time, I have to hear people make snide comments about my husband being a cop. "What, do you have a thing for hand cuffs?" or "Hum, what’s wrong with you?" – anonymous

10. All we want to talk about is how evil police are.

“…And don't tell me that you think all the officers in my husband's town are jerks (or worse). Don't you realize that you're putting my husband in the group?” -- Alison, Texas

“… Then when I tell people the department he works at for some reason people think it's ok to make some sort of rude comment about our officers. Why do people think it's ok to make a stupid remark? I don't make some smart-ass comments about their spouse selling cars for a living and ask if all salesmen are shady!” -- Michelle, Georgia

“When I tell people (he’s an officer, they) think it's ok to make some sort of rude comment about our officers..."they just pick on teenagers" or some other snotty remark. Why do people think it's ok to make a stupid remark? I don't make some smart-ass comment about THEIR spouse selling cars for a living and ask if ALL salesmen are shady!” -- Michelle, Georgia

My personal favorite – “My taxes pay his salary,” mentioned when someone wants my husband (or any officer) to do something for them. -- Renee, Los Angeles

“The other day my husband was cleaning our cars and my neighbor had the nerve to say "can you clean my car next?" She continued, "I want to see my tax dollars hard at work." -- Jessica, California

Written by:
Renee (LAPDWife), Police Wives Online Staff Member
©2005 LAPDWife.com & PoliceWivesOnline.com
This article may not be copied and/or redistrubuted without permission from both parties.

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